Staring at the moon: if anyone asks what I was up to Wednesday night that’ll be my answer.
I got in a workout and let out some giggles with a friend before the drive home. On the way, I was mesmerized by the moon. Red lights were welcomed because they bought me more time with this thing of beauty.
I smiled and struggled to look away. I could feel joy flowing through me. It comes and goes. In that moment, I was reminded of daylight and the feeling a bright sky gives me or the way a guitar slide makes my heart skip a beat.
They’re just some of the things I love and never want to end. Watching artsy movies, taking photos outdoors after a rainfall, noticing brush strokes on a canvas, hearing about someone’s passions.
I lost the desire to take photos outside because of fear and negative associations, shut people out and didn’t want to leave the bed. Everything I once enjoyed suddenly felt like actions taken to very intentionally avoid thinking about the heaviness of November.
As I get closer to the one year mark, I can’t believe how quickly time has passed but also
can’t help but feel like I’m muddling my way through. When I was without my loves I
felt sad, scared, angry, hopeless and uninspired. At least I want to try. At least there’s hope. I’m still in the midst of sorting things out, but a flame has been rekindled.